facing my fears… new challenge

OK. So it looks like I may have jumped in too deep on this one. Just reread the assignment and remembered the class conversation from last week…

This assignment is more about facing fears that stand in between me and my professional or personal growth and the fear of going blind may be a bit heavy for that request. So I’m going to do a bit more thinking about this.

Right now I know that one of the greatest fears I have is just letting myself go in design. I am a planner and a strategist and I like to know what direction I’m going in before I go there. Design for me has been tough in the sense of just sometimes letting the work come straight from my soul and not my brain. That includes issues with sketching, being illustrative in my work (which i’m deathly afraid of) and taking more chances with things like color, pattern and materials. And this is something that I definitely need to tackle going forward because it literally paralyzes me when doing work and I often find myself overthinking solutions that I know I’ll be more comfortable with instead of taking chances and trusting whatever will happen.

So in terms of dealing with this, there are three things I’m thinking of:

(1) an old classmate of mine used to go to an art night on monday nights here in atlanta where they would just draw whatever was featured that night. Very random, very on the spot and a definite challenge for me.

(2) another classmate, ivy, an illustrator, told me last night that she is taking a class where they do air painting, basically painting whatever is out there in nature… another challenge I could take on…

(3) this one is kind of interesting and really more of a personal challenge… I took an illustration class for designers with lindy three quarters ago at PC, and in it I found myself actually behind in my work, mainly because most of the time I was scared to do it. And while the total class wasn’t a bust and I did do some fun work, I decided not to even show my pieces at critique. But what was even more interesting was that she presented a challenge to two students each week to use a 5ft. long piece of kraft paper and create your own masterpiece with whatever you wanted. She posed this challenge to all but two of us in the class. And while I was deathly scared that she would pose that challenge to me at some point, I was even more taken aback that she never even asked me to do it. What it indicated to me was that either she didn’t trust me to take the challenge and come through or that she really didn’t believe that I had anything interesting to put down on paper and artistically express from my soul. And in reality, I think that shot my confidence down even more. It took me back to feeling inadequate in my art classes and the feeling I’ve had all along at PC, that I am not truly an artist. So for me this is way more personal. It’s almost like I have to prove to myself that I really have something interesting to express or that I am worthy to say I am a designer. And while most people see illustration more as a fine art and not necessarily a qualifier for design work, I see it as something that I need to face in order to move on from being so insecure and procrastinating when it comes time to sketching or drawing or even exploring more interesting visual solutions in my work. It’s time for me to trust the inner artist that I have and let her OUT!

So… I think that will be my challenge… And even in thinking about it, it scares me to death again! AAAARGH! something about putting things on paper without any planning and having someone JUDGE your work or even decide if it means anything is so terrifying to me! Let’s just say I know there will be a blank piece of paper on my floor for a couple of days at least… But now that I think about it, it would be good also to just take pictures everyday of that paper, even when it’s blank. I want to see my procrastination and my progress and just trust the process. wow, this will be interesting. I’ll start tonight.

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