facing my fears…

mmm project #3 – facing your fear

Our next project for class is to do something to face our fears. This is a pretty interesting challenge for me because as I’ve been listing my fears on my desktop Stickies, they all seem pretty superficial… gaining more weight, having a job I don’t like, possibly never having kids, dating again… blah blah blah. But one fear in particular is something I don’t even want to put on my list or give any energy to… going blind. I know it sounds weird, but I have secretly had this fear of going blind since I was little… I don’t even think I’ve told my mother about it. It started when I was watching some show I wasn’t supposed to be watching and this premonition came to me that I would be blind one day because of my naughtiness. Soon it became something that would ring in my head all the time and I couldn’t seem to shake it. What made it even worse was a conversation with my father in which he told me that one of my aunt’s had a condition that made her blind… or at least I think that’s what he said :/

Either way, it’s been a thorn in my side for years. And while I’m sure most of us would rather not be blind, I still wonder what it is about being blind that I find so fascinating and so scary at the same time. Is it the loss of control? Is it feeling like people would pity me or take advantage of me? Is it the idea that I won’t be able to “see” the world anymore as I used to? What I find even more interesting is the idea that my potential “blindness” may not even be anything physical, but rather spiritual. As humans we get caught up so many times worrying about superficial things that may happen to us that we forget to pay attention to our spirit or our soul and in the end, that is the most important element of life that we have. But I digress… The point is I haven’t really been able to pin down what the source of my fear is and hopefully this experience will help me to understand what is really going on better.

But even as I am planning on confronting this, I still worry to a certain extent about even giving it any energy. I am the type of person who feels that giving negative things or thoughts in your mind energy will soon lead you in that direction and truthfully I still don’t want to go there. But I will go ahead and face this for the project and maybe I’ll learn something more about myself. My plan right now is to sign up for the Dialog in the Dark exhibit in Atlanta. I was going to go through having someone take me around town all day blindfolded and video it, but really my time is so tight right now that it’s just not worth the production time. So this is a simple way to face my fear and really talk about it for the first time. I’m a little apprehensive about it, but excited too, so we’ll see what happens!

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